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Tuesday, September 13, 2011

How do I do this?

We will be leaving early tomorrow morning for Minnesota, the service will be Thursday morning. I have spent the last few days going through pictures, which have brought back so many memories.

Today I have been tying up loose ends, booking a hotel, ordering flowers. I went to the card shop to get a sympathy card, oh the pain in my heart as I walked through the store. I saw all the plaques, the figurines,the picture frames, all the little pretties I used to look at whenever I was in the store and decided to pick up a little something for Judy.

I went to the card section and I just couldn't do it, I could not buy one of those cards for Judy's husband or her kids. It would make it too final, too real, I just couldn't.

How am I going to walk into that Chapel tomorrow and know that it is real, she is gone. I am never going to talk to her again. I am never going to be able to hug her again. How can I possibly get up there and talk to her family and friends and tell them how I feel about Judy, about losing Judy?

I don't want to do it, I don't want to face it. I want to stay here, take the phone off the hook and pretend nothing has changed, that I will talk to her Sunday like always and I will ask her if they are coming out to see us in Arizona.

We had it all planned that in the spring they would fly out to see us and then we would all go to San Diego for a few days. She could go see her son and I could go see my niece. We hadn't told the guys yet, we always told them our plans on a need to know basis , after we had all the details worked out.

I truly don't know how to do this. I can't breathe when I try to think about it. I am not a " get in bed and pull the covers over your head " kind of girl. I usually face difficulty head on, but I just don't think I can do it this time.


  1. Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. You CAN do this, for her.

    I am SO effing sorry.

    Hugs. Really.


  2. I am so very sorry. I know this is hard.....but you CAN do this. You do it for the living....you do it for her family to show how much you loved her. You do it because you know that when you're called home, she will be there to hug you and somehow....it's not so scary knowing that your best friend is there. Comforting hugs to you, Joyce. God Bless.

  3. Joyce, I think funerals are the worse things...I don't like to say it but I am so dreading my dad's. But once you get there they are usually comforting in their own way....think of it as a time to show your respect to the family. There will always be little things that make you think of her but one day you will be able to feel joy not sadness....just cry...that is what I do all the time now...don't deny that you miss her and you want her here with you. Sometimes I think that they had it right a long time ago...put a black wreath on the door and mourn...we need to do that.

  4. You can do it Joyce and it will be the beginning of your healing. That's why we have funerals, not only for the family but also for close friends. I always tell myself to just walk through it, just keep moving on and it will get better. This is the worse of times for you right now and for me it always helps to write a lot and talk a lot, and not keep the pain inside.

  5. I know that you will find the strength you need to get through these difficult days. Just don't forget that I am here whenever you need me.