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We are home. The service was beautiful, Jude's children put together a warm, personal, loving tribute to their Mom. We all spoke from our hearts and celebrated the life of a loving, caring, wonderful Wife, Mom, Sister and Friend.
It is still hard for me to except that she is gone. I just can't understand how we could be in Door County, having a great time together and less than a month later she is gone. It is strange how the grief comes and goes in waves.
I am embarrassed to say I am still a little angry at her, no truthfully I am a lot angry at her. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me when she found out in July that she was ill. We told each other everything. The only conclusion I can come to is she knew I would insist that she search heaven and earth for something, anything that would keep her alive.
Judy's Mom suffered from Emphysema and COPD, she had a long, painful decline before she died. She was in a wheelchair, on oxygen, she struggled for every breath. I think Judy saw that as her future and didn't want it.
Then other times I think, not possible, Judy wouldn't give up that easy. She couldn't have possibly know how sick she was. And then there are times when I am looking at things straight on and I realize I will never know. I should stop dwelling on what if.
One of my favorite sayings is " It is what it is, it ain't what it ain't ". I need to take that to heart and move on. I know there is a process to go through, that it will take time, that I will have good days, with good memories and bad days with grief for not having her friendship any more. So I will tell myself what I told Judy's daughter the day after the service, " One Day at a Time, we will do it One Day at a Time.
Yes, one day at a time is the only way to live through grief as it comes and goes. And, it is what it is but it still hurts. I'm hoping your pain eases as the days go by and the changes of fall give you peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteIt sure would make it easier on you if you weren't heading out so soon! There's another saying - "This too shall pass." Keep that in mind. One day you'll be thinking of Judy and it will be only good that you remember and you won't be quite so sad. Love ya. Supper was fantastic, unbelievable, you cooking for me. I loved every minute of it.
ReplyDeleteHi Joyce...I just got home from my parents..dad is declining and mom and I had lots of talks. One day at a time is our motto right now and is going to be after...that is all any of us can do. but we do know we will make it through. It is absolutely ok to be so sad...I think we have gotten too far away from the grieving process..we want it to be over with so fast. I think they had it right a long time ago..put a black wreath on the door and grieve. thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You have friends here...
ReplyDeletexo, misha
I am so sorry that you have so many feelings to deal with after Judy's passing. I think it's pretty normal that you are angry with her -- perhaps she really didn't understand how truly ill she was. We seem to be so smart about so many things until it comes to our own lives, then we often really don't get it.
ReplyDeleteOver time, this will get easier for you. And you also have the great knowledge that you will get to see her again someday. Not too soon, of course, we need to keep you here a long, long time.
Big hugs friend. :)