We are home. The service was beautiful, Jude's children put together a warm, personal, loving tribute to their Mom. We all spoke from our hearts and celebrated the life of a loving, caring, wonderful Wife, Mom, Sister and Friend.
It is still hard for me to except that she is gone. I just can't understand how we could be in Door County, having a great time together and less than a month later she is gone. It is strange how the grief comes and goes in waves.
I am embarrassed to say I am still a little angry at her, no truthfully I am a lot angry at her. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me when she found out in July that she was ill. We told each other everything. The only conclusion I can come to is she knew I would insist that she search heaven and earth for something, anything that would keep her alive.
Judy's Mom suffered from Emphysema and COPD, she had a long, painful decline before she died. She was in a wheelchair, on oxygen, she struggled for every breath. I think Judy saw that as her future and didn't want it.
Then other times I think, not possible, Judy wouldn't give up that easy. She couldn't have possibly know how sick she was. And then there are times when I am looking at things straight on and I realize I will never know. I should stop dwelling on what if.
One of my favorite sayings is " It is what it is, it ain't what it ain't ". I need to take that to heart and move on. I know there is a process to go through, that it will take time, that I will have good days, with good memories and bad days with grief for not having her friendship any more. So I will tell myself what I told Judy's daughter the day after the service, " One Day at a Time, we will do it One Day at a Time.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain